heather left for iraq tuesday, she called my phone early tuesday morning and left me a heartfelt message telling me she loved me and that she's sorry we didn't get to talk before she left. i was asleep when she called, i woke up saw the caller-id and fell back asleep, no train of thought at all. and i feel horrible. i'm really really going to miss her while she's gone.

michelle's husband is coming back from out to sea, and i know that i won't get to see her for a really long time as they'll be making up lost time.

melissa's still in bootcamp, and i don't know when i'll get to see her again.

nic and i decided that right now he needs to be alone. and it hurt. it hurt so damn bad. he told me he doesn't care about anything right now, and when i asked about myself, he said he cares about me just not about anything right now. and in an instant i realized how terribly terribly alone i am. i told him i'd be there for him whenever he needs me, because i want to spend the rest of my life with him, so ill be waiting for him. and he said he'd call me when he felt like it. i've called him three times since then. one a few hours later to ask him if he wanted me to wait for him or should i wait. he said he didn't want to break up. but no other details were given, so i don't know what we are right now. i called him a second time and got his voicemail later that night to tell him i was leaving. and the third time i called him was to ask him if he'd heard from candace (a girl that was going to give him the hook up on some stuff). he said yeah then asked when i was leaving. i told him i was already three hours down the road. and he seemed surprised, but not at all hurt. which hurt me more. then he told me he loved me and we hung up, and here it's been 24 hours and i've not called him again. and i won't call him again...but i'll be sitting on my phone for when he calls me. because i love him, and im willing to do whatever he needs. i hope this is enough space for him, as i've gone to philly. i don't know how long i'll be here, i don't know where ill go after this, i don't know anything. i do know im ready for a new beginning. i'm ready to be independantly happy. i'm ready to be a new person.

and i've done this once before, because of nic, and i will do it again, because of nic. love is a wonderful thing, but i'll be damned if it's ugly side isn't heinous.

i don't know that i'll be missed, as there's no one left to miss me. but in a way that makes me feel better. like there's no other life that i've effected... and yet so many lives have affected mine.

last five
take that turn a little sharper next time - Monday, Nov. 21, 2005
the truth - Sunday, Oct. 23, 2005
the floodgates are open - Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2005
what a mess - Saturday, Oct. 15, 2005
shitty beginnings - Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005