i've come to terms with getting a divorce. bryan and i had a very cold and polite conversation tonight. he asked for me to send his things and i asked him when he would file for divorce. he said he was doing very well, working all the time... not going out and partying like he used to. good, i'm proud of him. he also told me he has about $800 in his bank account. again, i am proud of him. maybe he's finally got things together for himself. all this time i begged him to let me help and he never needed it. he really did need to be alone. he knew what was best for himself. it really does hurt to know that he doesn't want me. i don't know if i'm hurt because i've been rejected or if i'm hurt because i love him and it's sad to see things dissolve.

i can't seem to dig myself out of my hole. i've always claimed independance.. that i don't need anyone to take care of me. but it seems i am wrong. i'm having a hard time finding my feet. i hate the daily depression of waking up on the couch in my dad's house. i hate the feeling of having no money. i hate this feeling of uncertainty. when and how will things come together for me? i've never had ambition or drive.. no determination or will power. i let go of things too easily. i'm hard on myself for not doing the things i need to... but never do them anyway.

nic and i had a conversation that surprised me. it seems he has forgiven me for my trespasses and wants me back. if you only knew the way my heart fluttered. but now i am torn. do i want to be with nic because i love him and he made me happy? or do i want to be with nic because it's an easy out, someone to take care of me? i can't see myself being that heinous... but i doubt myself more and more everyday. the fact that i even realize that as a possibility scares me.

nic will be away for three months and when he comes back he wants me to go to wilmington with him. it seems like what i want too. however... there is a little red flag waving in the back of my head that i haven't identified yet. possibly the warning of friends, possibly my own intuition. i have three months to decide.

oh to be loved. nic loves me. nic has always loved me. always been constant. even when i fucked things away. and he's forgiven me.

doesn't he realize that means i have the potential to do it again? who is the greater fool here?

probably i.

because in three months i will probably be in wilmington.

i seem so down about this.. when the reality is im so very very very excited. when the thought of he and i being together again washes over me i feel myself glow. but i'm trying to keep a level head. does trying to do that ever work?

ugh.. i'm so frusterated with myself!

last five
take that turn a little sharper next time - Monday, Nov. 21, 2005
the truth - Sunday, Oct. 23, 2005
the floodgates are open - Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2005
what a mess - Saturday, Oct. 15, 2005
shitty beginnings - Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005